Australian influencer Kanika Batra reveals what it’s like having narcissistic personality disorder 

A beauty queen living with a personality disorder has told how her condition has left her reliant on others to maintain her self-esteem and unable to produce internal validation. 

Miss World Australia finalist Kanika Batra, 26, has narcissistic personality disorder – a condition she says gives her impulsive urges, feelings of emptiness and unstable moods.

Ms Batra said she relies on others – such as her 180,000 followers on Instagram – to boost her sense of self-worth but goes ‘into a very, very dark place’ when those external sources of affirmation dry up.

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‘When I get positive comments it’s wonderful and I do feel them – but they don’t tend to stay with me. They are very fleeting,’ she told SBS Insight.

‘However if I do start getting insults, those do really hurt more than I could possibly explain.

‘I have irrational reactions sometimes when I feel the narcissistic supply draining – I’m so used to external validation that I don’t know how to produce internal validation.’ 

The Sydney model – who has also written a psychological thriller – said she often goes into ‘rage spirals’ when someone or something offends her.

‘I’m hot-tempered so sometimes I’ll burn bridges I don’t need to and I will do really reckless, impulsive things like spend all my money,’ she said.

Ms Batra has also been diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder, which she says means she lacks empathy, guilt or remorse.

Model and Miss World Australia finalist Kanika Batra (pictured) has antisocial and narcissistic personality disorder

‘It’s not something I was born with. It’s not something I’ve ever experienced – but I feel like that doesn’t make me a bad person,’ she said.  

Ms Batra said she relies on others to boost her sense of self-worth but goes ‘into a very, very dark place’ when those compliments dry up

Ms Batra, who is currently engaged to her boyfriend, Sam, has previously revealed in a YouTube interview that she cheated in three relationships because she didn’t feel the guilt that typically comes with betrayal.

‘I just didn’t have that sort of regard for that person because it didn’t make me feel bad to see somebody else,’ she said.

‘It didn’t make me feel guilty. I didn’t get home and then like, not sleep at night because I had betrayed somebody. It’s easy for us to switch that part off [and] compartmentalise.’

But after seeing a psychiatrist, Ms Batra said she managed to unlearn this behaviour and become more self-aware, which has changed how she sees both herself and her fiancé.

‘The main difference is that now I do respect my partner,’ she said.

‘I do understand that his needs need to be met as well as my own.’ 

Ms Batra (picturedd), who is currently engaged to her boyfriend, Sam, said she has cheated in three of her past five relationships

The Sydney model (pictured) said she has been assessed by ‘a dozen’ psychiatrists who all concluded that she has an ‘anti-social and narcissistic personality’

Ms Batra (pictured) said she can be ‘quite vengeful’ and is likely to show her ‘mean streak’ to anyone who hurts her

However, Ms Batra said she still can be ‘quite vengeful’ and show her ‘mean streak’ to anyone who hurts her. 

Although she feels no remorse for her past wrongdoings, Ms Batra said she tries to learn from them to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

And when it comes to positive emotions, Ms Batra said it’s rare that she feels truly happy. 

‘I feel satisfied with life, I feel that I’m doing adequately well, but I don’t think I experience happiness in the same way a neurotypical would,’ she said.

While she likes to be ‘open and upfront’ with people she dates, Ms Batra said she doesn’t reveal her personality disorder until she gets to know a potential partner.

‘With all of the stigma and all of the hatred that’s shoved down your throat, I like to give myself a chance,’ she said.

In the early stages of a relationship, Ms Batra said she and others with ASPD are prone to ‘love bombing’, an attempt to influence a person by overt gestures of attention and affection that stems from manipulative behaviour.

‘This is just us getting to know you,’ she said. 

‘We don’t really know how to control ourselves in that sort of way so all we do is we message you to find out everything about you, and we want to see you all the time – that’s just how we kind of get to feel what this relationship will be.’

Ms Batra (pictured) said she had to ‘physically teach’ herself to blink because her tendency to lock eye contact unnerved those around her 

Ms Batra said she had to ‘physically teach’ herself to blink because her tendency to lock eye contact unnerved those around her.

She said she learned charm and charisma by mirroring actions and emotional responses and has built her persona around the identities of others.

‘I feel like if you strip all of that away, at the core, there would be nothing…it’s quite sad,’ Ms Batra said.  

For more information about personality disorders, please visit Way Ahead Australia here.